As the World Falls Down...

I said I wasn't going to put lots of Naruto icons and stuff here at Dreamwidth. And yet, my first thought for an icon for this journal was this one, and I had to go dig it up and upload it. That kind of made me go 'hmm' for a moment.

That's not the point.

There is no point.

How is it that I can spend ten years away from a place and then within days get all sucked into things happening there again?

It started with a demand from my grandmother to come get some furniture that was left at her house or she was getting rid of it. Which wouldn't have mattered to me except that the furniture was left for me by my other grandmother, who was actually sort of one of the family members I liked. Not like my great-grandparents, but still... there were some good memories there.

So I started trying to sort out how to get there to get it.

Then, the next thing I know, my grandmother has decided to hand it off to my aunt and uncle for now. Which might work, I mean, I don't really think they'd dump it or something. And they're saying they'll bring it to Tennessee for me if I wind up moving there.

So that's good.

But in the same phone call, my grandmother tells me that my mother's boyfriend died. As if I should care. And goes on to say that my mother lived with this guy for two years. Which makes me wonder... has it been two years since I talked to my mother? I honestly remember calling her just a few months ago, but she was talking about a different guy at the time I thought.

I'm very confused.

Moreover, should I care? I didn't know the guy. If I had met him when I was a kid or something because they were friends, he likely wouldn't be distinguishable from any of her other biker buddies in my head. There were a few I sort of remember well because they were either very nice or very cruel... but for the most part, that whole crowd sort of blends together in my mind.

Should I care for Karen's sake? Maybe. She is my mother. But she was also a major part of why my young life sucked, and frankly, doesn't deserve any loyalty toward her I might still feel.

It makes me want to beat my head against a wall, a little.

Or pinch myself until I wake up. ... Or call my therapist back even though I just left her office.

I have a feeling last night's nightmares are bringing friends to the party tonight.

Thoughts about RL issues just aren't happening well for me right now. There are a billion things that I know I should be thinking about involving my career and future.

After all, I'm twenty-nine, have a child, and yet really have more of a job than a career. And even that is tenuous, dependent upon somehow magically not missing any more work because of illness that I can't really do anything more about than I'm already doing.

So, what do I do?

I don't think about it. For now.

Maybe after July when my friend comes to visit me, I'll do some more thinking about where I want to live. I don't really know how those things connect, except that probably she and I can sit down and talk about the place where she lives (which is pretty much where I'm thinking about moving to) and I can get a better picture of the economic situation there now and such.

I haven't been back down South in like... 8 years.

It breaks my brain, a little.

One must begin simply
or what is created
will be
unbelievable
unreliable
unreal
whether truth or fiction
one must begin simply
must find the courage
to simply
Begin.

I have to laugh at this poem now; because originally I wrote it to start out a journal given to me by a therapist years ago, and I tend to start almost every journal I do with it. But last year I used lines from it as both a title for a fanfic and for a piece of dialogue, and so it kinda cracks me up a little.